Friday, February 06, 2009

Just When I Think I've Cleared The Last Impediments

Just when I think I'm in the clear, I've disengaged from the last brambles, I am humbled, learned humility: I collide with clean glass doors, my faced dented by the metal frames of my glasses. I forget things, my keys, my wallet, my cell phone.

Blood breaks the skin in two places. Dries about when the ambulance drivers arrive. The rat poison I take every day prevents the blood that is beneath my skin from clotting. Bleeding continues inside my skin, leaves huge visible discolorations. Those who see me during the week that followed see 'd been badly beaten up. I tell people it was NOT my wife. A brush with my 'mortality' happens frequently. I live daily with reminders of how old I am and my Humpty Dumptyiness.

I'm monitored closely. The dosage of thewarfarin must be insufficient, not too little or too much. A hyperdermic needle in my arm extracting blood is never invisible, always leaves bruises that takes a week to fade. Even as I sit here writing, I've this massive bruise on the right side of my face. The blotch slides down, pulled by gravity, till it is eventually absorbed.

So I can with reason conceive entitlement to feel for those on chemo. They and I face imminent extinction. Thus far I've been spared. My dear friends have not been so fortunate. They, I -we do what we are able.

Fortitude, fortitude -I, they do what we are able to -are, within dire limits, capable.

Just when I'm in the clear, or think I am taught humility: Am served daily with reminders, (redundencies) of ...
of incremental diminishments, incapacitiesies. Mightlily do I determine to stay focussed, keep my calendar, log, tod do lists, muddle through....


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